Welcome!
Welcome! I’m Aili Wachtel. (Aili sounds like Riley without the R - it’s a Finnish name.) I’ve been a Professional Counselor in education and private practice for over 20 years. I’m glad you’re here! Here’s why I am.
Often, a counselor’s specialty or area of clinical interest, like addiction or trauma, develops as a result of his/her/their personal experience with a topic. Although counselors regularly assess clients’ overall levels of social support (it’s crucial to the wellbeing of us humans), from early on in my career, I found myself taking note of women’s friendships, specifically. Through some reflection on this, I’ve concluded, very simply, that I craved more social interaction than I had as a kid.
My mom had two kids from her first marriage and my dad had two from his first marriage. I am the youngest and their only child together. My mom’s kids were much older and were mostly out of the house by the time I had memory, and my dad’s girls came to visit on Saturdays. Although I always looked forward to those visits, they were complicated - the whole situation was complicated, and the relationships with my half-sisters reflected that. I also lived in a small town, where the houses were pretty spread out from one another. You couldn’t just go outside and find kids to be with. I was alone a lot, and I really looked forward to school where I could be with other kids and to get-togethers with friends.
In short, I think I was lonely. (I take a risk in saying that here. The coach-types will tell you that to talk about the L-word is akin to having the plague, but I’m trusting you more than that. I mean, really … who among us hasn’t ever been lonely?) And, because of this, I started to attend to my friends more and to put more importance on my friendships than did other kids who had present siblings, or cousins nearby, or who lived in neighborhoods where other people were around.
Fast forward, and I’m in my late 40’s with a husband and two teenage kids, a counseling degree, 20 years of counseling experience, and extensive reading and reflection on friendship under my belt; and, I’m still fascinated by the topic. Friendships are significant relationships, and their contribution to our lives is real and profound.
Throughout my counseling career, I’ve seen that women with abundant and thriving friendships were feeling and functioning better overall, no matter what brought them to counseling, than those who were, at that time, due to normal life ups and downs, lacking in number or depth of friendships. From a lot of reading, I learned that empirical studies confirm that friendship can impact women’s health, happiness, and success more than any other kind of relationship. Friendship has been shown to help women heal faster, advance farther at work, and even live longer. And, anyone who’s ever had a painful conflict with a friend or who’s lost a friendship knows just how disruptive the hurt can be. Focusing directly on friendship - giving it the attention and intention it deserves - just makes sense.
I think my own friendship experience looks like that of most women. It’s a rich tapestry of friendships that have stood the test of time, ones that haven’t, and everything in between. Currently, I’m fortunate to have friends all along a spectrum, from new and developing, to those for whom I’d do almost anything (here’s a shovel; where’s the body?). I certainly don’t have it all figured out, though; even now, I’m working through feelings related to a friendship that recently ended. What I love about friendship, though, is that there are countless kinds. There’s an incredible variety of levels and types of interaction and intimacy that we have with the different women in our lives. Ask a woman about her friends and you’ll hear things like, “We’ve been friends forever, but I’m not sure we’d connect if we met today.” Or, “She’s my best friend, but there’s this one issue that continually drives me crazy.” Or, “We talk all the time, but I wouldn’t say we’re really close.” I mean … WOW?!? How can you not want to know more, when you catch a glimpse of all of the nuances in this category of relationship??
If you spend time thinking about friendship from time to time, if you’ve ever been confused by what’s happening in a specific friendship and unsure of how to proceed, if you’ve ever been elated or delighted or disillusioned or hurt because of a friend or the state of your friendships, my hope is that you’ll find something relatable here. And, in that common ground, I hope you find comfort and validation. Thanks for visiting!
