Weekends Away
Weekends Away - Bringing together friends from life’s various chapters
Does consistency, across time and place, account for one’s comfort level? Would you do it?
A friend of mine recently went on a weekend getaway, on which the hostess brought together fifteen women from across different ages and stages of her life. Most who went knew only the hostess and one or two of the other women. Have you gone on a weekend like that? Would you go on a weekend like that? Would you host a weekend like that?
Over the years, several friends and clients have shared with me their experiences from these kinds of trips. Some women feel a little anxious in advance and have questions about whether they’ll have fun or feel comfortable. Some women feel excited; they’re happy to be participants, comfortable in their likeability and secure in the belief that they’ll have plenty to talk about with new people. But, asked if they would host a weekend like this, far more have answered with a swift, “No way.”
Why? Simply put, the responsibility feels too great. Too much could go wrong. Those I’ve asked think they’ll either feel responsible or be held responsible for whatever doesn’t go well. It just feels like too much work to coordinate something like that, with no guarantee of total success. That’s the knee-jerk reasoning, and it makes sense.
Do you think, though, that it might also have to do with how much a person feels like she’s changed over the course of different chapters of her life? Do you think it might involve how consistent she believes herself to be and to have behaved, across various membership groups and phases of life?
If you feel like you’re pretty much the same person now that you’ve always been, a weekend with fifteen friends from different chapters of your life probably wouldn’t provoke anxiety. You would most likely feel fine about being the hostess of a big group of strangers, if the impression you give your work friends is the same one you give your mom friends or your church friends or your workout friends.
But if you’ve been a little weathered by life, if you’ve faced some storms, you might feel like an abraded version of yourself - scuffed, soggy, more cautious, less vibrant than you once were. Or, you might recognize at your current stage, that you didn’t like who you once were and have gone to real effort to change since then. Or, in certain chapters of your life, you might have been publically intertwined with someone who’s no longer a part of your life. Any of these possibilities, along with countless others, would be understandable as reasons for being reluctant to bring together people from different aspects of your life.
What if, though, we were to start from the understanding that we’re complex and multi-leveled creatures? What if no one would expect for us not to have changed somewhat over the years? What if, well short of clear deceit, people accept that it just often serves a person to behave in a way that will further them in a specific setting, regardless if it’s entirely consistent with who they are? What if we were confident? What if we were confident in our friendships, that our friends will be respectful to each other, that they’ll get along reasonably well? What if we were confident that even if someone is offended by something throughout the weekend, we won’t be held responsible for another person’s views or behaviors? What if our friends were to actually appreciate the different aspects of us that might be revealed on a weekend like this, and think it’s fun to get to know other sides of us?
Even people who pride themselves on authenticity and transparency change over time. It’s also emotionally and relationally savvy to recognize that different contexts call for different approaches. Unless there’s something truly slippery going on, this kind of evolution and transition should be expected. It’s brave to put different aspects of yourself on display to friends from various chapters of your life.
Assuming you were initially on the fence, seen this way, would you reconsider?
