The Phaseout

I’m usually the initiator of new friendships.  My work has taught me to be in a posture of regularly and actively welcoming people in (see The F’s of Friendship).  Rarely do we just bump into a friendship in adulthood - it requires some effort and intentionality and it takes a lot of spaghetti thrown at the wall to get a couple of pieces to stick.  

But, T asked me to get coffee one day and I went; I think we talked for three hours.  Soon after that, we had lunch, which also lasted several hours; and, then we started going to a couple of exercise classes together each week. When we had her family over for dinner, they stayed for six hours. Just a few months  into our friendship, we were texting multiple times a day, supporting each other in both significant concerns and daily minutia. 

And then CoVid happened and T’s family was in the first wave of people who made a sudden move to a sunbelt state many hours away, reflecting the strange new time in which we were living. 

At first, we were talking regularly on the phone, then less so.  When several weeks went by without a text or call, I understood; I was ok with it.  Our friendship started fast and we were close quickly; it made sense somehow that, within the context of CoVid, it would end similarly.  Sure, I was a little sad; she was a warm, fun presence in my everyday life for a short time. But, I just don’t think we’d been friends long enough to overcome a long-distance move.  Some fast friendships can and do weather challenges, but I just wasn’t all that surprised when this one didn’t.  

Then she called.  When it’s possible, I try to simply reinforce behavior I want to encourage.  So, unless I’m really feeling like I need to have a direct conversation about the state of a friendship, if it’s going to make my friend uncomfortable, I don’t do it. I knew T to prefer to avoid conflict.  So, instead of the, “What’s really up with us?” conversation I might have liked to have, I simply caught up with her, keeping things light and breezy.  She mentioned she was going to be in town and wanted to get together.  We did; it was nice - again, just easy.  We talked about another visit, maybe at her new house. 

So, when she left, I though, “Okaayyy … I guess we’re still friends?” A few days later, an opportunity came up in which she and I could have met near her home to accomplish something we both needed to do.  I texted her about it, she said she had to check, and I haven’t heard from her since.  

Some friendships can be put down for long periods of time and then picked right back up where we left off with them.  Always open to that, I had followed her lead and reengaged when she called again after some time.  But since that call, it hasn’t really felt like that’s where we’re going and I’d really just rather be straight about it.  

I want to tell her that I enjoyed our time together so much!  I also want her to know that if she was ready to let me go when she moved away, it’s ok.  I want to tell her that if our friendship served a purpose while she was here, so far from her family, and then didn’t anymore, it’s ok. I want her to know that I wasn’t surprised when things changed; I understood. I want to tell her that if she’s only been keeping in touch since her move, in these fits and starts, out of obligation and a desire not to hurt me, she really doesn’t need to worry about it. I want her to know that for me, it’s actually worse to draw this out when I’m sensing that her heart’s not really in it. 

If there’s another opportunity, maybe I’ll say this. 

If you’ve got a friend you’re trying to phase out, I’d say two things.  First, know your audience.  Your friend might really prefer a direct conversation in which you say something like, “I’ve enjoyed this time with you so, so much. It’s been perfect for this place and time.  Now that things are different, I anticipate that our friendship will be too.  It’s been a great gift to me. Thank you so much for being in my life!”  Secondly, if you prefer to go with the phaseout, time it right.  Being out of touch and then showing up again after too long can create more confusion and hurt more than simply closing the door in the first place. 

And if you sense that you’re the one being phased out by someone else, remember that your feelings and preferences matter too.  You can have a gentle conversation, coming from love, in which you check in.  Maybe you’re being phased out; maybe your friend just has something going on.  Again, two things.  Talk when you’re ready, when you’ve had a chance to reflect on and make sense of the potential end of the friendship.  Don’t talk when you’re really raw. And, two - keep it brief and light.  Mention only what you’ve recently observed or experienced; leave out the history.  If the friendship continues, that’s for another time.    

One of the things I love about the realm of friendship is the infinite number of permutations within it.  If you’re reading this and you’re like, “But, what about … “ or “That’s not my experience ...”, great! Just reflecting on your friendships as you read this - giving them the attention and intention they deserve - can keep your friendships in good shape. Friendship so significantly impacts our health and happiness that that’s all I’m after here.  Thanks for reading!